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He got the job! He got the job! He got the job! He got the job! He got the job! He got the job! He got the job! He got the job! He got the job! He got the job!

Daily Check In - March 22, 2001 - Protein Power Discussion Board

Okay... going back to your message.

At 07:15 AM 03/21/2001 -0600, you wrote:

Babe,

I am sorry for this morning. I am in a lot worse shape than you must realize.

Babe, that's just it. I'm not thinking about you. You have this thing about always making other people around you happy. And by them being happy, you are happy. I don't have that. Never have, never will. I am a lot more selfish than you. I blurt out whatever is in my head. I don't think about how it may affect you or anyone else. That's why you are the one with the friends and social skills. I sit at my desk all day long and some days, like yesterday, can get by without saying anything to anyone. I am so much more self involved than you.

A while back... I don't remember if it was when your Mom had her stroke or in that discussion we had in our apartment just before hand where I was talking about still being in competition with her... anyway, you made a comment about how my mom only thinks about her self. Don't you see that in me? It would be nice if I could break away from that somewhat, but that is how I am for the most part. Sometimes, I don't think that is so bad.

Maybe I am over reacting, but I just seem to be overwhelmed. I actually think about getting in my car and driving away.

And I don't? God, when we got off the phone that first time, all I could think about was driving into the ditch.

I just have so much pressure on me that I want to cry. I need you to be strong for me now.

That's my job, I know. It's just that I am having a personal crisis of my own. I'm sorry that I can't express it clearly yet. There's just so much... so much... it just all keeps going around in my head and I can't get a hold on it yet.

And I say so much, but at the same time, it's so much of nothing! There's nothing to grab. It's just everything! I need to get a hold onto myself and really think. But then that seems like a waste of time, and I should be doing my work anyway.

But, you are needing me. I just can't handle both problems at the same time.

That's why you need to work while you are at work.

I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know what to do???

Work - and don't worry about me.

Maybe if you write down what your problem is in an e-mail message, then I can help you, or at least understand what you are going through. I will
have some time today to read it.

I think that I'll write it for me first.

On the other hand, can you help me tonight. I need to put all off my new numbers together. I am suppose to have a plan by Thursday, or Friday at the very latest. I know that you are having your own problems, so I understand that you may not be able to help me with this. It is up to you.

I will try to help you. I think that I can.

I love you babe, and I am generally happy with our life.

I am too - that's what you don't understand.

I love having you to come home to, to sleep beside, wake up to in the morning, and give a hug to before I go to work.

I like all that too - but it is all so superficial.

I would like to have more time with you.

And I with you.

I would like to not have to work. I would like to not have to worry about money. But, that is all part of life.

I understand that. I guess it's just that I don't know all the parts anymore. I feel so out of control and I need to feel a certain level of control. That's why I'm not eating today... partly because I was up again, but partly because I can control what goes into my mouth.

I am just happy to have you going through it with me.

Love you

That's what I cling to. That I have you and that we are in this together. That's why when you go off the handle and assume that these questions and thoughts that I'm having are about us that it hurts me so much. You are supposed to be my friend. I need a friend.

I have always had just one friend. If you can't be that friend, and you try to get rid of me all the time, or try to make me feel like I made a mistake and shouldn't be with you... what kind of friend is that?

I can't be calling up Lori or Carrie out of the blue and dumping my problems on them. It's my fault for not keeping up with them better, but I thought that I had you. I need to be able to count on you. Maybe you can't be my friend. Oh, I so desperately need one though. I need to talk. I need to explore. I need to be able to think out loud and figure out what's really happening with me. Every time I get to this point, you tell me that I shouldn't be with you. But I love you and that's not it at all. I don't know why you can't understand that. Maybe you can't be my friend... maybe the interaction between us, and your hang ups, won't allow it. We're too close maybe? Can you not just help me? Maybe you can't. Maybe I should pay someone to be "my friend" and get counseling. I guess that's what normal people do. I've always had that one friend instead.

I just want to be able to sort things out. That doesn't mean fixing things. It's just thinking about them and getting a handle on them again. I just feel like my whole world was blown apart. If I just stuff it again, rather than learning to keep a better grasp on things, then you are right - there's no way that I'll survive having kids. I need to learn to hold onto things better, while at the same time letting things be looser in general. That way, when something does happen, there's less of an impact.

Rather than forty arms stretched out, tightly grasping each piece of my life, and holding onto them with stick straight arms and white knuckles, my arms can be like jello. If something jars me, they all just wiggle, but I still hold onto them, can see them, and know what to do with them. That's where I need to get to.

Instead, this last month, I got knocked down and dropped everything. I feel like I don't know what to pick up. Which things are important to pick up. Are any of them important enough to really pick up? Which ones do I care about. And there you are. You're not one of the things to pick up. You are standing there beside me, and you know what? You have been holding some of those same things, but you have your own things too. But some of the things we held onto together. We're a team that way. But as I'm standing there, seeing everything on the floor, I don't know where to begin. Can't I just stand here, and hug you, and let everyone else pick things up and take care of them for me? Better yet, can't you just carry me along too? Is it important for me to pick anything up at all? Why would I want to pick anything up? Can't I just exist as one of your things? Do I need to have things?

Well... yes, I do. But I don't know what I want. This can't possibly be making sense. Try to visualize me, and then you, in this open white space, and all these little pieces. I was happy, and holding on to all these little things and going along. Then BOOM! While you just wiggled, and even picked up more things, I was knocked to the ground and dropped everything. And now, I feel like as I tried to get up, my arms that were holding onto these things broke off! It's not even that I can just pick them all back up. I feel like I can't!

So then yesterday, when I was so excited, it's as though fake arms were put on me, to make me feel more complete. I was reading that book and thinking, hey, these arms will work! Heck, I've got over a thousand dollars in the checking account, I can invest that! (and all the credit card money, etc.). Then I called you, and you said, "Silly girl! Those are just fake arms! They won't really work." And then this morning, it was like you turned and looked at me and said, "Silly armless girl! If you don't have arms, then you need to go find someone that likes armless women! You're not going to be happy with me - I only like women with arms."

I know how silly that sounds, but I just really feel helpless now.

I really need to go through every aspect of my life, figure out what all those aspects are, see where I'm at, where I'm going, and get a hold of them again so that I can regenerate my arms and get a grasp on my things again. Does any of this make sense?

I love you!

--Steph--

I posted this on the PP BB 100Club daily thread:

OMG! It's the 20th already! Where has this month gone!

-----sorry this is so long, but I'm just so excited I had to write it all-----

249 this morning... but that's okay, I had a big dinner and it wasn't gone yet when I weighed if you know what I mean. My wedding ring is twiddling around my finger again and I've been wearing it on my middle finger more than my ring finger lately because of it. It's only a size 8... I still can't believe that a size 8 ring fits me, let alone is getting too big again.

On Sunday, I did the whole "movin' on up" with my closets again. I tried on things in my small closet and moved up the things that fit to my regular closet. In my small closet, all I have left are two pairs of pants and one skirt. These are items that I bought without trying them on or else they were gifts. So... everything that I own that ever fit me in my life is in my wearable closet! Most of my pants are size 20 now.

In my drawers, I have two pairs of denim shorts. One is a size 16 and the other is an 18. I bought them as "goal" shorts that last time I was on a diet and got this close. Actually, I bought the 16's then thought that was too far off to be true any time soon, so I bought the 18's. I never got close. Well, the 18's fit now... too tight to wear - but by the time it gets warm enough to wear them, maybe! The 16's go over my butt but have several inches to go until I would be able to button or zip them. This is so exciting! I may actually be able to wear them this summer! And... I still have about 100 pounds to go! If I can wear a 16 with 75 to go, what size will I be at goal? A 10? I was going to be happy with a 14, and super excited with a 12. Okay, okay... we'll just have to wait.

On the job front, John told them that they should call his former boss, Jim, (who recently got promoted) as his best judge of his work for a reference... well, this morning, Jim called to say that they called him and that it's down to one other person and John. AND... The person that John replaced also went this division where John is interviewing, and they asked Jim how John compares to this other person because they like him. Jim told them that John blows that guy away! COOL! With that kind of a reference, who wouldn't hire John? I can hardly stand it.

And!!! Rocko (John's dad, and the guy who keeps track of all the racing receipts, etc.) says we should probably call racing a business. That he could survive an audit, that we're not doing anything illegal, and we should do it! He was going to run it by his tax man just to have another opinoin, but I think we're going to go this route. If we do - that means a $10,000 refund this year! That means debts paid off... and if we get the job... that means moving... and that means buying a house... and getting rid of our drives... and WOOO-HOOO!!!

Plus, Charlotte went home yesterday and now has OP PT on MWF's - but she's home, and doing well!

Sounds like everything is just falling into place. I hope it happens that way!

Love,

--Steph--

Here are the responses.

On March 3, I started keeping track of my weight on the fridge (the scale is in the kitchen). I wrote the date, time, a brief description (for instance, where I was in my cycle, if I had a big meal, BM, etc.) and my weight. Each time I have written it, I have been very tough on myself to make sure that I was trying to achieve the heaviest weight I could on the scale - no cheating! (This has been a problem for me in the past - lying to myself.)

I started at 253 and have been hovering around 253/252 the whole time. My last time weighing was on 3/10. Last night, John asked me if I weighed recently and I said no, I'll have to in the morning. This morning, he reminded me to weigh before I had anything to eat or drink. (He must thought that I have been losing.)

This morning, I weighed 249! It was even close to 248, but I put down 249. I couldn't believe it. I still don't. I haven't really lost any weight for several months. I've been stuck in the middle 250s since October. I just hope that this isn't a post-TOM fluke and that I'm really on my way again...

Kristi brought in a magazine today. It's called "Real Simple". She gave it to me to look at and toss or pass on. I'd like to bring it home to show Hud. That's how I want my life to be - like the pictures in that magazine. I know it's all image, and probably all imaginary! Any maybe it's all yuppie... but I want it, and I want it now. I'm so tired of being ordinary.