SeeTheHudsons.com : Updates and Notables

I'm pretty happy with it myself...

Gee, I don't handle adversity well, do I? The car was wrecked and it wrecked my whole world.

I hope I'm getting better.

I think this is a good thing.

Then we watched TV for a little bit. Actually, just waiting for the last load of laundry to get dry so I could hang it up. After that, we went to bed.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but all day long, I want to be lovey-dovey. I can't wait until I get home. Then, I get home, there's stuff to do, he's not doing as much of it as I think he should (which really is a problem, because he's great and does help a lot - weird!), and then I get out of the mood. So, last night, I was not in the mood, but he was and he tried so hard, and I tried to act interested, but mostly, he didn't notice, so that was good.

Isn't that horrible?

So tonight, there isn't any work to do, and Hud's in the mood to do something fun, and he wants to go out and we still don't have any money. So, we'll see what happens. Hopefully something fun.

I wonder if that coupon for the movies is still valid... pretty boring, huh?

I really don't feel like being here. But, it's about 3PM already, so not too much to go.

John wants to work on stuff around the apartment tonight. I just want to veg and be together. How can we be so "off" sometimes?

I did really well on the WOE last week. I think I lost about four pounds just last week. We'll see if I can keep it up this week. Maybe I can talk John into going swimming tonight at least.

It's raining today. I wasn't at 5AM this morning when I got here, but it started around 6 and it's still raining. I hope that we don't race and that John and I can just have a nice romantic weekend to ourselves.

This is where that post is... There are a few answers now. One of the most helpful said, "The fat person in you has had her day, now it's the thin person's turn. I think she'll do great things -- if you let her."

I loved that. I will do great things as a thin person. Life will be better, I just have to do it. And it will "be okay" too, just like everything else is.

I really feel better just by posting it. It reconnected me to the program. I should try to read some of the book again.

P.S. John weighed 257 today. So he's moving down again. Yippee!

As I posted in the self portrait thread, I have been away from the board nearly all summer. I started PP 2/1/99.

I'm faltering, so I'm back to the board for support.

What kind of support? I don't know. All of this seems so dumb when I actually think about it. I just need to hunker down and get going...

So what's my problem? Well - I'm now within 100 pounds of my goal - or at least my initial goal. There are only a few clothes in my closet that are still too small. Most of those are things that I bought and never actually wore though.

However, I'm still wearing all of the big clothes. At 309 pounds, I didn't have a single "fitted" outfit - so all that elastic and cotton still "fits" now that I'm 50 pounds down.

So, I'm hovering around 258-262, and I've been there most of the summer. On days when I'm 258-259, I feel so excited, but scared at the same time. On those days, I get comments from people that I'm doing so well - when in reality, I haven't lost any more weight in the past few months. So what do I do? Of course, I eat something that I should choose not to. I'll sneak a doughnut at work, or grab a small blizzard on the way home, or spend an afternoon at work chewing bubble gum. I'll get pizza, intending to eat only the tops, but then I'll eat the outside crust edge too.

I rationalize this as "I deserve it" - or "I need chocolate!" - or "I used to love that!" Or I'll use the "an occassional carb-up can kick start the loss again." But it's all too not-occassional anymore. And then later, it's all okay because (so far) I haven't gained past the 262 mark. Plus, after a week of being good (or even only semi-good), I'm right back at that magical 259.

So, the good news is that I've found maintenance to be wonderful and flexible. The bad news is that I'm not supposed to be on maintenance!

So, the other day, I decided that I need to start getting rid of the bigger clothes. But I'm finding it really hard. Guess it's a security blanket sort of thing. But if I get time to be at home this weekend, I think I'm going to do it. I've already started a pile of big clothes, but I need to go through everything, try on all the things in the smaller closet and move those things up and the others out.

Then, most days, it's fun to stand in front of the mirror and push and pull my fat around to actually see "what I'm going to look like." But then, on a thinner 259 day, I'll catch myself in the mirror by chance and I'll see the "thinner" me and it spooks me.

So, I guess I'm looking for someone who has gotten over the fear thing. Someone like me who has been fat her/his whole life, felt the fear of actually doing it, and gotten through it. I'm tired of sabotaging myself. I need to move on and get past this point on the scale.

So this isn't about, "how can I stick to the plan" because I know how to do that and I plan to eat this way the rest of my life. Eventually, with time, I think I'll eventually find things like blizzards to not be yummy - in fact, they don't taste that good now. I'm committed to this WOL and love it, but I'm just scared to lose any more weight. Another twenty pounds and I'll be smaller (clothing size wise) than I've ever been in my adult life. I feel like I'm losing "me"... I've always been the fat girl!

If they drive like normal people, they should be here between 5 and 7pm - depending on how much they stop. So, we should be able to get some of the work done tonight. YEA!!!

Looks like we'll be racing Saturday!

Last night, all I could think was that Rocko sent them over there and probably didn't clean out the truck - didn't take the stuff off, didn't even take the ladder off.

Now that I have the receipts from last weekend all lined out, I think I'll stop them over to their house tonight, just to check and make sure a pile of "used to be in the truck" stuff is laying somewhere. I don't know where they would put it though - we certainly wouldn't want it in the garage - how the heck would we get the car done if we first had to put the truck back together.

When I talked to Rocko late last night (when he called to confirm that Romine's were indeed going) - he sounded pretty drunk to me. But then I've never really seen Rocko drunk.... but then again, I am married to his son - so I'm sure that it's similar. So, anyway... this is why I was concerned.

I'll just stop by there on the way home and if the blue ladder is laying there, I'll be happy.

Anyway, over the weekend, we had the most horrendous trip out to Walker. But, all is good now and it appears that they will have the car fixed so that we can pick it up this weekend.

John's in VA this week... so I'm not being good on my diet. I need to quit being bad. I'll try to be really good tonight. I need to do some work on the house anyway, so that will be good.

I wasn't going to argue it because you had obviously made up your mind and that you don't care what I think.

Just where are you going to get chrome-molly to fix it, hmmm? Or are you going to use steel because heck, we need more rear weight anyway! Hmmm... that sounds good. Let's try the pendullum thing again. After we get done, let's strap a couple extra hundred pounds out there behind the fuel cell too. No, wait! Let's make it out of solid steel bars! That'll fix'er right up! Plus, if anyone hits us, they'll total their car! Boy, oh boy! We have a plan now!!!

----Original Message Follows---- From: "Hudson, John L" To: 'Stephanie Hudson' Subject: RE: Go check out your website, sweetie! Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 15:07:27 -0500 I am so sad. You want to hurt me? You are doing a great job of it.

So now what. Do I pull it down? Apologize? Or stay mad for a while and let him stew about it.

I may just have to stew about the answer to that question myself...

----Original Message Follows---- From: "Hudson, John L" To: "Stephanie J. Hudson (E-mail)" Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 15:00:08 -0500 That wasn't very nice. If I don't think exactly the way that you do, then you just hang up. Is it your car or our car? You said "that car is not getting fixed by anyone but Dirt Works". Did you ask me before you said this? I think that somewhere it went from my car to your car, not our car. I love you babe, and you have learned a lot about the car, but what makes you so confident that you know that this is the only way. What if Martin says "yes, you can fix that no problem"? I don't know if we can fix it or not, but I am willing to entertain the idea. I just don't like the way that we fight anymore. We are snapping at each other all the time anymore. I am so sorry for the way that I was acting the first part of this weekend. I guess, in a way, I have opened the door to acting that way. I am sorry for that. I love you babe.

So, I wonder if that was written before or after I posted the thing below on the website?